This shud be easy
Wood – October
An observer was in full disbelief by what he saw waiting for him and his comrade prior to their attack from the sea to the empire they are about to invade. Either he is daydreaming or he actually got his wishful thinking fulfil. The idea by his Commander In Chief to invade the empire was considered as illogical to the point of suicidal. Equipped with no more than 7 battle ships and merely 200 cannons, it is tactically impossible to win the battle let alone to inflict any damage to the empire.
The followings were the full conversation between the observer (O) and his Commander In Chief(CIC) on board of the leading attacking vessel that took place in 1511 somewhere in Malacca Strait. They are about to start a war with the empire.
O : Errr Boss. I think you shud check this out. (Handing over the telescope to the CIC)
CIC : (Take the telescope and pointed it out to the shore. Within seconds put it down). Shit…(long pause).
O : No Boss, you need to focus to each of the cannon and those warriors waiting at the back.
CIC :Oh..okay.
O : What do you think Boss?(Trying not to laugh)
CIC : (Trying hard not to laugh).Hmmm…this shud be easy. Let us go back to the sea and have a few drinks. I think we got time before we can start the war.
The morons by the beach
On the beach, the warlords and the warriors worries grew each second to the sight of the static battle ship that been settling somewhere 1 mile away from the shore for the past 2 days. They knew of their mighty military strength compared to theirs, cannon to bow, rifles to sword and guns to keris. They knew they cannot beat their enemy with their weapons; therefore they need to use their wisdom to win. The only way is to outsmart their enemy into thinking that they have superior arsenal; not rifles or guns but more cannons. Thousands of them.
Then suddenly, the unthinkable happen. The leading battle ship turn and sail back to the sea; followed by the rest. On the beach, the warriors were screaming with joy to the sight of the battle ships turning away and sail back to the sea. The warlord cannot help but expand their nostril even bigger, too proud to say anything. They turn to the soldiers and scream out loud, “victory is ours, let us go back to our family and celebrate”.
The Commander in Chief said to himself, “This will go down in history as our biggest success. To win a war without having to shed any blood “. His name is Hang Tuah.
The truth
On the ship, what the Commander in Chief saw were tiers of “cannons” laid by the water front with soldiers guarding it. It is located at least 50 meters apart with another next tier just 20 meter to the back. With the beach estimated to be about 2km in width, the commander is facing 2000 canons bombardment if he ever tries to approach the beach. No commander in their right mind will lead his army to absolute annihilation; but without choice it seems a retreat will be appropriate. But, how is he to face the King with this failure; he will remember as a failed commander.
He decided to have another peek. He focused his telescope to each one of the cannons just to know what type of a cannon the enemy is using, but he got one hell of a surprise. He saw a person actually prostrating on the ground with his back to the sea. He got his buttock painted in black while his dick got painted in brown. It sure hell looks like cannon if you don’t pay attention. But thanks to his observant observer, he knew something must be wrong if a wick of a cannon is at the bottom and not above. Well, he is right; it is not a cannon but a guy pointing his black painted arse and brown painted dick to the sea.
Then he changed his focus to the warriors behind and he got another one hell of a surprise. He saw a bunch of highly spirited warriors armed with something that looks like a knife. It has a pointed edge, some crooked but no more than 1 feet long. Seems like they are all ready to move forward at all cost. Last but not least, most of them wear skirts together with their pants.
By then, the Commander in Chief had one thing and one thing only in his mind, laughing all the way to his admiral cabin he shouted; “this shud be easy”
The Untold Story
The rest as they said it was history. The Portuguese sail back to the sea to have a few drinks and re-strategize their war plan and then came back later and easily conquered the Malay Malaccan Empire without much resistance especially with the help of Chinese traders. That was the actually whether you like it or not. And Hang Tuah, well according to some historian the loser actually went into a big pot, put the lid on and jump into the river to regain his strength. I don’t know what to say actually on this, may be it will be another story. But to any mentally healthy person, Hang Tuah is either a coward or just plain dumb; I think he was both.
Mejoh